The other night I was hanging out with two lovely ladies having some girl chat, it was great and much needed. It’s always good to just get things OUT to those we trust. It’s not ok to hold things in and have no-one to talk to, you kidding me? That can be dangerous and unhealthy. Think about it, when you have your junk going on and you’re keeping it to yourself… hangout inside your own head; you then allow negative thoughts to take you somewhere you do not want to go, you end up somewhere you don’t belong  and then find yourself spending a lot of time there and believing lies mistaking them for truths.

Anyway, so back to my story! The next day I had text my bestie something that God spoke to me YEARS AGO… that was actually speaking to me right as I was texting it out to her. I thought I should blog about it, I blogged about it before a few years back on one of my many blogs, worth writing about again though.

In 2007 I had yet another heart break, ugh! It was horrible, long story short… I was seeing this “Amazing Man of God”… just like the guy I was seeing before him[well I didn’t date for 4yrs then met this fool] we had been seeing eachother for about 3 months, I found out he was still dating his ex and me at the same time. Ok, ouch!!  However, for every hurt I find reason to give thanks… there is always something to learn from ANY situation you find yourself in., about a month after that whole thing went down I decided to head to the ONETHING conference in Sacramento where Misty Edwards was leading worship. It was my first ONETHING conference and my first time seeing Misty Edwards live! She blew my mind with how intimate her lyrics to God were. The room was filled with His Manifest presence and Love… it was thick, I found myself on the floor, on my knees, hunched over with my forehead to the floor, arms stretched out, balling my wittle brown eyes out. It was then where I gave my heart to God fully that night…and as I did that…I felt negative emotions leave my  heart… as if my heart for a moment became a cup, and all this ugly negative black stuff was being poured out and my heart was being cleaned out. It was an AMAZING LOVE ENCOUNTER I had with Papa God. Because I came to that conference completely broken… my heart hurt pretty bad… and seeing the one who hurt me there… uughhh.. stab me again! It wasn’t a good feeling, but being broken is the perfect position to be in when you’re in need of God to come and invade. So He did. And Revelation hit…it was this:

I have only ONE HEART. God has given me just one, not two…only one. Which means with this ONEHEART I worship him, live for him, speak to him and also, love others, serve others, minister to others with…etc. I live from it, act from it, love from it, think, speak,  create and do…from this one…only one heart. I felt like vomiting at the thought of harboring anything un-loving in my heart.

I felt it would be contaminating my heart to allow bitterness,anger, un- forgiveness or hate in my heart. I promised I would check my heart for unwanted emotions and I told myself to make sure that anything that is not a part of who God is and not in His heart… I would not allow to enter into mine.
I don’t have a heart that holds love and another for hate… how wonderful that would be though, to be able to have separate ones, it would make things much easier. Since that is not the case, we really do need to be careful and make sure we filter our hearts. I don’t want filth in here, from this corazon God has given me…  I live my life and love my God…he deserves pure love, and a pure heart.

We have to make sure we give those things to the Lord and no longer choose to store up and harbor emotions and thoughts that do not belong in our heart or align with who HE is, because who He is… is who we ARE. Made in his image, remember? We need to learn how to refuse to hold on to past hurt, it has no place in us… and only causes hurt to ourselves… doing more damage to our heart the longer we go on holding on to bitterness. I speak to myself too, trust me I am not speaking like I got it all together… because I don’t.

Jason Vallotton said this in his status, “If you carry bitterness and hatred around long enough, they will eventually eat you from the inside out”... ouch!! So true! I cannot allow this to happen, I cannot allow bitterness to eat me up inside… it is not fair to those around me, because the repercussions of that will not be beneficial for anyone I’m close to… those I hold dear to my heart… deserve a healthy heart to love them.

I have a lot of giving up to do… I give up on holding on to past hurt… I let go of people who hurt me… I forgive them.. I’m praying that God helps me to love them again. Because as Pastor Kris Vallotton says… “Forgiveness restores the standard”… 

It’s not easy though, for me it’s still fresh. There was a situation that happened not long ago with someone I considered a dear friend… and here I was trying to make things ok between us and she LASHES OUT at me and said the MOST HORRIBLE THINGS I have ever heard in my life… NO-ONE has ever talked to me like that, and NO-ONE should EVER be allowed to. I was BEYOND HURT, if it were possible to hear the breaking of a heart… well then I’m pretty sure mine would have been heard… it felt ugly… and I could feel every word she was saying to me… it was a stab to my heart and I couldn’t breathe… I looked around to see if anyone was watching at how ridiculous she was being, I took out my phone to record everything..but it all happened so fast and she had walked away still screaming obscenities at this point… my natural reaction was to call my boyfriend… he has a way of talking to me that calms me down… he helps me see things clear when my mind is a mess… in moments where I feel unsafe or hurt, I think of him because he holds that role in my life where God has entrusted him to create a safe place for me. He did well hearing me out and helping me figure out what I did wrong and how this situation could have been prevented… he did what any Man of God should do for his girlfriend… he listened, he gave advice, he layed hands and prayed for me.

I’ve never been so hurt in my life by a friend… not like that. I definitely have a LOT of letting go to do… it’s a process… and I thought I was ok by now.. but this past weekend I realized… I’m not… I’m still left wounded by what happened… I really need God to do some work in me… because I want to be ok and I want to Love her and forgive her…
 

All I know is… God deserves my very best… He deserves a clean and pure heart… and so do those God has placed in my life, we are called to LOVE. Something I started to say was:

“Love… and Do it UNCONDITIONALLY. Give it OUTRAGEOUSLY. Speak it RADICALLY. Be it CONTINUOUSLY. Just love… MASSIVELY.”-Martha.I.G.

If that truly is my hearts desire… well then I must give up and let go of those emotions that do not belong here.

 “If love is not your main motivation, you have no business leaving your house”– Jason Vallotton

I completely agree with this statement. If LOVE is not driving me…and is not what I put on every morning… why bother leaving my house?

The world is waiting for us to LOVE with the heart of God… they all deserve our best LOVE our best heart… our 1 heart.

Psalm 51:10